The Secret (Love) Lives Of 8 Year Olds

Friday, 28 September 2018


'Luca has a GIRLFRIEND,' my best friend told us in our group chat with D this morning, 'she's liked him FOR AGES.' 'OMG,' I replied, '... but what happened to Tilly*?'

Tilly was Luca's first love. She sits next to him in class and, recently, I accidentally made him cry when I asked him about her because, and I quote 'everyone keeps saying we're going to get married.' Poor kid got cold feet, clearly. Mate, it happens. Which leads me to believe that Luca never truly loved Tilly the way he thought he did, that time he asked all the girls in his class to line up so he could present the prettiest one (her, it was a set up, he got reprimanded for the whole thing by his teachers) with chocolates, and was in fact just doing what young lovers will do, testing the waters

Now, he has met Laney.* Could she be the one? Watch this space. (Also, has anyone told Tilly the wedding is off? Because that could get real awkward real fast, them being in the same class and all.)

Leora, his twin, is playing her usual love games. I like to think of her as the 'future mob wife,' of my friend's children, due to the fact the girl has such balls and moxy. And the fact that she's been dating a rich kid with wealth of questionable means since she was 4. FOUR. That's half of her entire life. Ay Carumba

This boy, Alfie*, broke Leora's heart last year, when he unceremoniously dumped her for a girl in her class, Ella*. Leora stayed classy, on the surface. At school, she wore her prettiest hairbands, she smiled, she announced that Ella was still a good friend and that there were no hard feelings. She took another lover (as it were, she's still 8, it was an affair of hand holding) to make Alfie jealous. Max,* poor Max, a pawn in her endless plans for world/Alfie domination

As she knew he would, Alfie became desperately lovesick. Telling Ella he had never stopped having feelings for Leora, he left her just before Valentine's Day, begging Leora to take him back, and presenting her with a chocolate rose and a card addressed to 'my love'

She told us all of this one day, an extremely smug air about her, when we picked her up from school. We were horrified. Luca rolled his eyes at his sister's antics, as we discussed her skills under our breath. Where did she learn such high class manipulation? Probably from a Little Mix video

Fast forward a few months, and Leora and Alfie are on again off again, the same saga playing out over and over, with Max as a willing (perhaps mildly dim?) pawn. Ask her about it and each time, the drama has intensified. This week, she simply can't walk away because, in her words, she 'still has feelings for him.' Again, she is EIGHT

Honestly, this is my favourite soap opera.

Is there any wonder these two are the case studies I use for my child psych course?

*Pulls out the popcorn, texts for an update, gasps in delight and horror*


*Names changed to protect the not at all innocent.

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